I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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