I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
