plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
