the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He? As in you personified your dick?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
