This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
