yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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