Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
