You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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