found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
How's work?
Spinning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
PANTIES FOUND
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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