God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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