i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
