I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
