He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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