I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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