you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I will pee on everything he values.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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