You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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