I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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