Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
