Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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