my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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