We're facebook friends in real life
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
