Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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