How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
