I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
