WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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