Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
