I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
