I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
