Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
