Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is my gift to your gina
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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