The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
