At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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