I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
