He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
