if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
