i can't believe i had my finger in that
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you made out with another girl for some wings
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
