I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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