Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
