Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
