For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Drake has all the answers
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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