I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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