I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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