my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
