there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
