There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
