If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
