Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
