Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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