Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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