hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
only you would photoshop your dick
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
