you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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