You made me cry and you don't even care
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Nicole vs. Life
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
