hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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