I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
