I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
