we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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