I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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