I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
