i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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